Over the last couple months, I've been experimenting with meeting people online, in bars, and exploring other avenues of meeting and dating people that I know absolutely nothing about- instead of the usual method of meeting people through friends and groups. I've met a lot of people, hit it off with some, haven't met that special person yet, but just generally have had a good time. Unfortunately, my ideas on dating don't seem to be shared by most people, and it's been the cause of some frustration.
There are two major things that bother me about dating random people, and the first is specific to online dating: people who just want to talk. It's like look, I meet strangers all the time, in bars, on the street, wherever. I talk to those people. Meeting and talking to new people is a normal form of social interaction. I don't want to spend a month trying to get to know you online before you are comfortable meeting in person. This might be acceptable if you lived far away and meeting wasn't an option, but not when you live within easy driving distance. If you have some sort of social disorder where you are afraid to talk to me, I'm not going to enable you, go see a councilor. For both my safety and yours, we're meeting in a public place, so what's the big deal? Besides, until I've met you, I'm not going to tell you much about myself anyways. For all I know, maybe you're not that cute girl in the picture, maybe you're a 37 year old man, who is looking for some easy identity theft. You want to know where I work, where I go to school, about my family, who I hang out with? Until we've met- not gonna happen, and that makes it hard to get to know one another. Another key factor here is that I don't want to get to know you, start to like you, and then meet and find out that you've gained 100 lbs since your profile picture was taken. Not only have then I wasted a month getting to know you, but I'm heartbroken because I've fallen for a girl that doesn't exist. She exists inside of you. Somewhere. Maybe you ate her.
The other thing that frustrates me is the amount of time that people seem willing to go out and get to know someone before reaching a conclusion about that person. I think I can speak better here through a few examples.
- I went to lunch with a girl I met in a bar once. We sort of hit it off, after the bar we went to breakfast, and we ended up going to lunch between classes one day during the week, and later made plans for an actual date. She ended up working late, and our date got postponed, and when she showed up, she told me she was tired and had things to take care of, and so our date was shortened to just dinner. That was the last time I saw her, she told me that she didn't feel a connection.
- I met a girl online, we talked for bit online, and then on the phone. She lived in Indy, and I went there and took her out. We walked along the canal, got drinks, and talked a lot. Things seemed to go well, we kissed, and the over the next few nights, we would talk to each other on the phone until 5 or 6am. We had a date planned for the following Saturday, and she accepted my invitation to visit earlier and come up Friday night and stay that night. I was tired, from staying up and talking to her late every night, and so I didn't call her Thursday night. Friday, I had expected to hear from her, since she didn't know where I lived, and so 3 hours before she was supposed to be here, I sent her a message with directions. She replied that she was having second thoughts, and that I seemed to be too much for her.
Both situations left me feeling like I'd never even been given much of a chance. In the first situation, I found myself wondering what kind of connection she was expecting over dinner. I feel that connections are made when people are interacting, and doing something enjoyable- not over dinner, which I feel is more like an interview. In the second situation, despite the long phone calls, I feel like she really didn't get to know me at all. I'm the guy that invites friends over to play board games, and she felt that I was too wild, something just doesn't make sense there. I do go out a lot, but that's just because of what my current friends want to do. I took her out because staying in, ordering pizza, and playing board games, didn't seem to be formal enough for a date.
I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like you don't get to really know a person until after the third date. The first date gives you a first impression, and allows you to decide if you're attracted to the person. The second and third dates, you're still trying to impress the person, so you take them out and do something nice. You're also trying to decide if you're interested. After the third date, you have a pretty good idea of where things are going, and you scale back. You start to get comfortable with the other person, and instead of going out on a date, maybe you just stay in, order pizza, cuddle, and watch a movie. You start opening up to each other, and start to get to know what the person is really like- you've gotten past the exterior.
To me, it's simple, unless you're ugly or have kids, the first date is a freebie. I like going out and doing things, so your presence is really only required so that I don't feel like a loser who goes to dinner alone. Honestly, I might even go out with someone who had kids, so long as they understood that it was just for fun, and that I had no interest in being a baby daddy. If you're ugly- sorry, but I will have to look at you. After the first date, if you seem cool, we go out more. After the third date, I decide if you're the type of person that I'd like to have in my life, and get to know better. At some point after that, I decide if you're the type of person that I would want to be in a relationship with, and things go from there.
Is that not normal? Assuming they're attracted to me, am I asking too much by expecting that the person will actually get to know the real me before cutting me off? Is this whole third date thing totally out of line? Am I moving too slow by expecting connections to be formed, and not expecting love at first sight?
Comments (5)
I'm sure it's a fear of commitment. Sometimes women just like that feeling of being swept off their feet or that love at first sight shpeel.
I can't speak for all women though. We're mostly confusing and fickle ppl who expect you to know what we're thinking.
I think you're really fairly normal. I give persons a few dates or maybe even more before deciding that he's not for me. But everyone's different, online dating or dating strangers would need more precautions as well...those people could turn out to be jerks and it happens ALL the time. Maybe we're escaping before getting hurt?
maybe bar girl found out that you're not the one night stand whore like she is and bailed
maybe online girl is grounded for life when her parent's found out that she made-out with a boy she met online and saw the ridiculous phone bill she caused from talking to you and she doesn't even have a driver's permit to drive and she doesn't want to sneak out with her parent's mini van again since she has a trackable device on her ankle
maybe board games like Monopoly is too much fun and exciting for them to handle or they are afraid to go to monopoly jail and is suffering from post traumatic stress from all those times being locked in the cage and wearing that striped jail jumpsuit
they were probably intimidated by your risk taker monopoly board game playing skills or they don't believe in finding true love online
You should rename the blog as My Gripes on Online Dating. Care to really elaborate on your style?
Or maybe just "My Gripes on Dating".
I guess with "my style" I was getting at the fact that I usually take the girl out for a few formal dates before I even start to open up to her, or get comfortable with her. I don't usually make a decision as to whether or not there is something there until that point. Sometimes I feel like I have a really old-fashioned sense of dating. I don't know how many girls have told me "I've never been on a date before". The last time was within the last month, and she was 22- and one of the hottest girls I've ever met- and one of the sweetest too- it's really too bad I moved. Anyways, sometimes I just really wonder if I'm doing this whole dating thing all wrong.