Well, I'm certainly no expert in the matter (so feel free to leave suggestions), I have a lot of trouble making idle conversation with people in a social setting. I used to be very shy, until I got to know you, and then I'd open up a bit. I'm getting better about it, and learning to make small talk has helped make that possible. It became easier once I realized that the entire process is just a method of exchanging stories.
Essentially there are three phases: 1) ask questions 2) tell a story 3) repeat.
The first part of small talk is to ask questions. Drop the cheesy canned pickup lines. You're looking for common ground, or rather, a topic to talk about. For the first few minutes, I keep it light. Initially, I like to start with a compliment, and a basic question. Say she's wearing a necklace with a dolphin on it. I might say something like: "Hey, that's a really cute necklace, where did you get it?"
Now you've asked a question, and initiated small talk. At this point, you're looking for a story. To use my necklace example, here are some possible responses:
-"Thanks! I found it at a store in California." Excellent! She's just given you a good topic for a potential story. Ask her what she was doing in California, or tell her about the time that you were shopping in California. The entire story may only be a minute long, but you've successfully found something to talk about!
-"Oh, I got it at Target". A more common answer. She's not really volunteering any information, so you'll have to keep asking questions to see if there's a story involved. Look for more detail: "Oh, do you like dolphins? We swam with some dolphins one time when we were in Florida." Now you've introduced the topics of dolphins and Florida. Hopefully she'll have a story about dolphins, or she'll ask you about your trip to Florida.
Remember to ask questions that open up for topics. You don't want short answers.
-"How was your weekend?"
"Fine."
-"What brings you out tonight?"
"I'm here with friends."
These usually aren't so good, but if you have reason to believe that there's a story behind them, you could try asking those same questions in a more open-ended fashion.
-"Did you do anything fun for Grand Prix weekend?"
"Well, Saturday we went out and got really drunk..."
-"What are you all dressed up for tonight?"
"It's my friend's birthday, we went out to dinner at this fancy restaurant..."
An alternative method is to open with a story. Remember that you need common ground before you tell a story. If something happens that reminds you of a story, share it, but remember to focus on things that are currently relevant. Unless she's wearing a BSOD shirt, if you walk up to her and start talking about your drive corruption and the hours you spent reformatting, she's going to excuse herself. If you just saw a fight, or a sweet car, you could talk about that. This method also work well in groups. You can walk into a conversation, wait until you have something to add, and then jump in. In this situation,
the topic is already established for you.
The final step: Repeat. Your initial topic of conversation will probably only last a minute or two. Switch topics, or start over altogether with a new question. If you hit a dead end, ask another question. Once you start to become more comfortable with one another, the conversation will flow more naturally.
Practice making small talk. When you are out with your friends, try introducing yourself to their friends. Once you are comfortable with that, try going on dates with people to get a better grasp of things. Dates are a semi-captive audience, the other person doesn't wander off if the conversation reaches a dead end. Move on to practicing in bars- people there are usually expecting to be approached. Finally, make small talk with strangers in public. If you can walk up to a stranger in a grocery store, and leave feeling like you've made a new friend, you've mastered the art of small talk.
One word of warning: If you've tried talking to the person and are getting repeated one word answers, they're probably not interested. I would say that two or three failed attempts at getting them to open up is plenty. If you haven't got something started in the first minute, move on.
Comments (9)
Spot-on. Women usually prefer a deep conversation over a cheesy pick-up line, like "I'm going outside to makeout, you wanna come with me?" Pick-up lines don't even work in my experience.
You wrote this better than I could have.
I have a feeling I know where this stemmed from. XD
i have a feeling this is somewhat pinpointed to someone....
Yeah, we know where it stemmed from, but I wasn't meaning to target anyone in particular. These thoughts had been floating around in my head for awhile before you guys initiated that conversation- not to mention it was also for my benefit, since I still need work in the area of talking to strangers.
LOL np :D I liked the warning.
It's especially awkward when you have to talk to them. Like you're out with two friends (one you know and the other is a friend of the friend). And so when your friend goes to the bathroom or something ... it's awkwardd silence btwn you and that new friend, especially when you both have nothing to say. hahah
@a_single_raindrop - and in that situation, you can't just walk away. You have to be polite because that person's still going to be there when your friend gets back. Maybe it's just another opportunity to work on your small talk.
this is an excellent tool for starting conversations. thanks!
Thank you, this is actually really helpful. Will be using the 3 point programme next time I go out, thanks!
There is some great advice here. When I was a kid/teenager, I was terrible with small talk and hated it. Then one day it just seemed to start happening and I can't really put my finger on the change but I seemed to suddenly be able to talk to people, anyone, everyone about anything. I'm now in my mid twenties and the only times I ever have trouble talking to people is if they are socially awkward themselves and don't partake in the conversation actively enough. Sometimes I guess it's just a maturity/experience thing.